Goodbye Facsimile.

So...
...as you all know I've been writing to Ronnie Radke while he's been in prison.

I don't think I'm anything special when I say that and even though it all really started out because I was a fan, it did to me become something more.

When I actually looked at him and who he is I could see that he'd been through something I have and evidently his imprisonment all be it for something totally irrelevant to that issue, probably saved his life.

I had the urge to write to him to tell him about me and for some reason I can't understand I needed to let him know he wasn't alone.

Sounds crazy considering this guys got thousands of letters coming his way from uber fans, the guy couldn't possibly feel alone or unsupported.

I guess selfishly it's because I needed someone who didn't know me to talk to, someone who would get it. Someone who would read it and not give an opinion or judge..he'd have carpel tunnel if he wrote back to everyone so it was good odds.

I guess I've just got on with things, since becoming a mum I've switched modes and in some ways have never really dealt with who I used to be.

maybe I was even scared of who I was and if I looked at it too hard I might unlock something that would take me back there, and under no circumstances can I be 'her' again because it will end me.

I have too much to lose. Back then I had nothing.

But writing to Ronnie made me actually look at it all right there on paper for all to see.
It wasn't pretty.

But what was even more apparent was that it wasn't me and it never will be again.

Obviously with Ronnie's release getting closer more hype online is buzzing, more images are popping up of him and more videos resurfacing on youtube etc.

That's how I heard 'make up' by Escape The Fate (Ronnie's old band) there are 2 versions. One old. One new.

...and it's the new version that could of been written for me.

Whenever I hear it I see my life back then playing out and I don't cringe like I used to, I don't curse myself for being so stupid, in fact it fills me with hope that I know I'll never be 'her' again and I'm out of it.

I listen to it everyday, it sort of makes me reassured I'm on the right path.

...and so even though you only have to look at me, look into my eyes and see that I've been to hell and back, even though I'll never be able to hide that at least here with this blog post I can at least decide with everything else that this will be the last time I speak of 'her', the last time 'she' will be seen and the last time I will tolerate people still thinking of me that way and thinking they can gain something from it.

She's gone.